Melinda's Stuffs

[Melinda-sama]

This is the first part of a story I just started. I probably won't put the whole thing up here, since I'm hoping to be a published author one day and don't want to take my chances of any of my work getting stolen.

I want HONEST CRITIQUES, COMMENTS, WHATEVER on this. It's the first draft, but I need to know if people think it's worth continuing, and what they would change/fix/whatever.

Anywho... Here it is. (next post, just for simplicity's sake)

[Melinda-sama]

“My lady, just one more push,” the midwife said, and the soon-to-be mother nodded wearily, then pushed with a groan. “Almost there… Almost…” The midwife smiled, and a baby’s voice cried out loudly. The mother lay back with relief, eyes closing. It had been a long labor, more than a day, but it was over. The baby was born.
“It’s a girl, my lady, and she’s beautiful,” the midwife said, cleaning the baby gently, then placing it next to the woman, who smiled at the baby, gently running her fingers over the tiny round face. The baby calmed and stilled, sleeping quietly and peacefully.
“What will you name her?” the midwife asked, smiling.
“Hope.”


“Hope, get down from there!” a voice called.
The little girl perched on a high branch of a tree scowled. “No!”
“Please, come down. Your mother wishes to see you!” her governess called again, looking up into the tree, a worried expression on her face.
Hope sighed, then climbed down part way, then jumped off, landing gracefully on the ground. She barely glanced at the governess before going into the large manor and heading to her mother’s room.
The governess chased after her. “You aren’t presentable!” she exclaimed, horrified at the girl’s bare feet, dirty face and dress, and tangled red hair. She looked absolutely wild!
Hope ignored her again, just brushing a piece of hair out of her face and continuing towards her mother’s room, the governess complaining the entire way.
She stepped into the room, and her mother, smiling at her from the chair where she always sat, reached out to her. Hope gave her mother a loving smile and went to her, hugging her tightly. “Climbing trees again?” her mother asked, amused. She nodded. “I can see so far from the top of that oak in the yard!” she exclaimed, making her mother laugh.
“I have somebody for you to meet, Hope,” she said, and Hope realized for the first time there was another person in the room—a man. He was fairly short, with brown skin and darker brown hair. His eyes were knowledgeable and the color of fertile soil. “This is a friend of your father’s, and he’s come with some business concerning him.”
Hope stared. Her… father? She’d never met her father, and her mother never spoke of him! Nobody else at the manor seemed to even know anything about him.
“I am Roya,” the man said, bowing gracefully. “I am here at the request of your father. He has decided you are old enough to meet him and learn of his people.”
“His people?” Hope asked, confused.
Roya nodded. “I am not at liberty to discuss such things here, but you will learn of who and what your father is if you go to him.”
Hope’s curiosity was piqued. What did Roya mean “what her father was?”
“Will you come?” he asked. “If you are coming, we must go tomorrow morning. Hope looked at her mother, who smiled at her reassuringly. “Can mum come, too?” she asked, and he shook his head. “I was instructed to only bring you,” he said, apologetically.
She frowned. “Go,” her mother urged. “It is a great honor to be called to visit your father, and you should know him. I wish you could have known him sooner.”
Hope looked out the window, thoughtfully. Finally, she decided “I’ll go.”
Roya smiled. “Good! I will let you go now and begin preparations for our journey.” She nodded and gave her mother a tight squeeze, then hurried out the door, heading to her room. She packed her most important treasures, and her plainest clothes. Her governess came in and saw her packing, and, shaking her head and mumbling about how Hope didn’t know anything about traveling, packed silk stockings, fancy dresses, petticoats, and shoes. Hope scowled as the woman closed her trunk.
“I’m leaving tomorrow as well,” she said, glancing at Hope. “You’re eleven years old now, and your mother has decided you’ve outgrown a governess. So, when you return, I won’t be here. I’ll be teaching some other child.” Hope nodded. Good! She hated having the woman fuss over her constantly and trying to dress her up like one of the frilly dolls she’d always despised.
The governess gave her a hug before leaving the room, leaving Hope alone. Dinner was brought in soon afterwards, and Hope ate it, wondering what her father was like. On the few occasions her mother had mentioned him, it was with respect and tenderness. All she knew about him was that he had red hair like hers.
After finishing her dinner, she bathed, then combed out her tangled hair, which turned out to be a very painful process, understandable since she hadn’t combed it in nearly a week. She looked in the mirror and examined herself. She saw a small, thin girl with freckles and her mother’s green eyes, face framed with wavy red hair that went down almost to her waist when she had it combed out and loose.
She braided it as well as she could and tied it off with a piece of string. She kept it long because her mother liked it that way, but she hated having to take care of it, so she often didn’t.
Finally, she went to bed, still thinking about her mother and the father she was soon going to meet.



“Miss, ‘tis time to wake up,” a soft voice said, turning on a lamp. “Ye’re leaving in an hour.”
Hope opened her eyes, blinking. She couldn’t see any trace of light coming through the curtains, and she felt like she’d barely gotten to sleep.
“What time is it?” she asked, stretching sleepily.
“Nearly four o’clock, Miss,” the maid said, getting out a dress, stockings, and shoes.
“FOUR?” Hope exclaimed, surprised.
“Aye, miss. Ye’re leavin’ at five and no later, Master Roya says,” the maid replied.
Hope shook her head. No wonder it was still dark outside! The sun wouldn’t rise for another few hours! She slipped out of bed and started to dress, leaving the stockings and shoes alone. The maid brought her a cup of cocoa and some toast for breakfast, which she ate quickly, then headed downstairs.
Roya was already there, dressed and looking completely awake. “Good, you’re early,” he commented cheerfully. “Your bags are already packed into the carriage and ready to go. You should go and say goodbye to your mother before we leave.” She nodded, and turned to go see her mother, but was surprised to see the woman being helped down the stairs by a maid. It was difficult for her mother to walk, so she spent most of the time in her room or the balcony, rarely coming downstairs. “I had to see you off,” she said, smiling at her daughter, who ran to her the instant she was on the landing.
“Thanks, Mum,” she said, squeezing her mother tightly and doing her best to not cry. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, as well, but I’m glad you’re going,” was the reply. “You need to meet your father.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we must go or we won’t make it today,” Roya apologized.
Hope nodded and pulled back. “Bye, Mum,” she said softly, turning and hurrying out to the carriage. She didn’t want her mother to see her cry, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to hold back the tears. Roya joined her soon after, watching her as she stared out the carriage window.

[stardragon]

Wow! The only honest critiques I can offer are basic fixes to the narrative and on her name. Hope is a very overdone name in fantasy. But if it's important to the storyline by all means let it stand. I look forward to reading more.

As for the narrative there were a couple places that I was confused which 'she' was which, you might input the names a bit more when you change paragraphs. Especially in dialogue sections.

[Melinda-sama]

Thanks, Bri! You're awesome! ::hugs::

I'll reconsider her name--I think I'll end up choosing another one eventually.

[A Lobster Formally Known as Zi]

oooooooooh!! Me likeys!

Suggestions from Zi about the story:
It's a tad bit fast-moving. I suggest describeing things like Hope's mum, and the bed room. Also, I think it would be less quick-paced if the beginning birth scene was a tad bit longer.
Also, (as a suggest. This is totally your choice) I might suggest making Hope's Mum bed ridden. Thats really all. Good job!!

[Senna]

Okay, critiques... since I am a writing major and college graduate

Grammatically speaking, everyone time the speaker changes, it should be in a new paragraph.
Add more description. The whole narrative is completely dependent on spoken and simple action. You could also try variation of sentence struction, passive and active. (Example of active: Hope climbed the oak tree because it gave her a great view. Example of passive: The oak tree had the best view for Hope's climbing escapeds. In an active sentence, the direct object receives the action; in a passive sentence, the direct object becomes the subject, and the new direct object does not take any action. Hope that makes sense.) You did vary the sentence narrative with interjected thought (Hope thinking something) and that could be done more, but definitely expound on things. What kind of room was Hope's mother sitting in? Since description was lacking, I just visualized an empty room. Was it a parlour? A sitting room? Art room? Are there tapestries hanging up? Servants hovering by to watch the purportedly bed-rest mother? Is she sitting in a soft chair, or a hard chair, or a wheel chair? Is a soft blanket on her lap? Any windows? As for the birthing scene, that was definitely too short for a beginning. If you added about 10 paragraphs, that would likely be more appropriate. And a day long birth is not really a "long" birth-more like a normal birth. Most women take about a day to deliver their first child (sorry, I know these things... mother worked in the maternity ward!). A 3-day birth would be far more difficult, and likely to be labled as a difficult birth. Also, where is the mother? In her home? Somewhere else? Are any other servants in attendance? What is the mother thinking at all? Doesn't the midwife need to do certain tasks, such as cleaning the baby, cutting and tying the umbilical, swaddling her, and cleaning the mother? What does the room look like? Maybe the midwife thinks that Hope is destined for something? The scene seemed it was definitely missing something... hard to make it into a "prelude" of sorts because as it is, its lacking any deep significance, and seems like part of the "main" story.

I am intrigued by Hope's father, and think the introduction is a bit abrupt. I'd suggest adding a chapter of story before getting to the summoning/departure. Perhaps talk about Hope more as a child, things she's learned, a conversation with her mother (even as a flashback) or anything that sets Hope apart as different? Just an idea.

Going to post any more? Sorry if my critique is too harsh... I was taught to do it... Blame my literary critique professor. I didn't like him anyway.

[Melinda-sama]

I'm not sure yet if I'm going to post more--if I want to get it published, I shouldn't post very much. (I've heard too many stories about people getting their work stolen, even by people who they thought were their friends.)

[~0RiGiN@l BrOk3n~]

(Just a comment
I enjoyed this part, but I do agree with the others. By it moving to quickly and lacking description. Otherwise it was good.

Good luck with it, hope all goes well.